A Part of Me
by tessinciucy
Summary: There are places that are a part of you, but what happens when you feel like you don't belong to them anymore?


This story came to me, literally out of nowhere, while talking with TinkerBella7 so you can blame her ;) I hope it makes sense as much as it made in my mind while writing it.

As always I don't own NCISLA or any of its characters, but playing with them is simply too funny.

* * *

**A part of me**

The first light of dawn was filtering through the shutters of the bedroom and caressed Kensi's face like delicate fingers. Her eyes were closed and she was still, like she was sleeping soundly, but she was just pretending. Deeks' soft lips on her forehead made her shiver and she fought with all of herself to not throw her arms around his neck and kiss him senseless. She knew it was going to be tough, but she needed to resist the temptation.

His fingers traced the lines of her features, gently caressing her face with a hint of uncertainty, with a tremble that anyone but her would have noticed. He kissed her one more time, on her lips, and then he turned on his heels and walked out of the room to go to the beach and surf.

Kensi waited until she heard the engine of his car turn on and then, she jumped on her feet, grabbing some clothes and putting them on as quick as she could. She was ready in a blink of an eye and just a few minutes later she was in her own car, following him.

She knew something was going on with Deeks; she had seen the signs, his uneasiness and the tension gripping his shoulders. Something was definitely wrong with him and she desperately needed to find out what.

Her heart was beating madly as she kept his car in sight, without getting too close; her anxiety was almost out of control. As she drove, she bitterly smiled, remembering the last time she had been so anxious, it had been a month ago, she was driving her car as well at that time, headed to this very same place.

Kensi shook the heavy memories away, trying to stop remembering that day. It was too painful, her heart still hurt, because it had been a day in which she almost… "No, stop! It didn't happen, so stop thinking about it!"

She knew that things were not like they were before, but she had this gnawing feeling, that they would be fine, that they were going to fix whatever was broken. Her heart told her so and if she learnt something from Deeks and from their relationship, it would be to follow her heart.

Her partner's car arrived at the beach, at his favorite spot and stopped in the parking lot.

Kensi expected him to get out of it, to grab his board and to go straight in the water, enjoying the waves that were simply amazing this morning.

There were at least other twenty surfers in the water and they were more than having fun. She could hear their enthusiastic yells and their laughter. Deep down, Kensi couldn't wait any longer to see Deeks join them. She simply loved watching him surf. There was a connection between him and the ocean, with the beach, with this place.

When Deeks was here it was like nothing else existed because he became part of this, part of the ocean, part of the beach. It was hard to express with words, but it was like he truly belonged here as this place belonged to him.

The door of his car didn't open though. Kensi waited and waited as the time passed, as the waves became smaller, as the surfers one by one got out of the water and then left. She couldn't understand what was going on, but for sure this was not normal. Deeks would never lose the chance to enjoy himself when the waves were like this.

The NCIS agent closed her eyes, taking a long deep breath, sadly realizing that her suspicions were probably right.

In the last few weeks, Deeks woke up early, telling her that he was going to the beach, that he was going surfing, but every time he came back, she noticed that he didn't smell like the ocean, that his eyes didn't have that special sparkle, that there was a heavy weight hunching his shoulders and that his expression was slightly lost.

At first, she had wanted to question him about it, but she wanted him to do it on his own, without her pushing him, because she was very well aware of how much he hated being pushed. After almost a month and mostly after everything that had happened that infamous day, she was definitely worried.

It was definitely the day to find out what was wrong with him.

Without thinking twice, she got out of her car and moved towards him. Step after step she could feel her heart beating madly, constricting her chest in a tight vice while her stomach was knotted. She could see his silhouette in the front seat, but he was not moving. He was too still and Deeks was never still unless he was hurt.

The simple thought brought her back to that day of a month ago, when she arrived here after LAPD called her, and saw him there on the beach with his face and body covered with blood… still, completely unmoving, while the paramedics were performing CPR on him, trying to bring him back to life, trying to bring him back to her.

Once again she shook her head, hoping that the memories would leave her mind, but it was impossible to forget the paralyzing fear that had gripped her whole body in that moment, the sense of loss that invaded her, turning her life upside down in just a single second. Even right now, she could taste the vile aroma of the bile in her mouth, making her sick.

Kensi took one long breath before opening the door of his car and sitting next to him. She couldn't deny that she was surprised that he didn't jump in shock when she showed up, like he was expecting her, like he knew she was coming.

"I… I thought you would never find the courage to join me, Fern." Deeks told her, trying to use his usual humor, but his voice was shaky and even if he tried to hide it, he was trembling. His hands were tightly clenching the steering wheel, like he was holding onto it to not fall apart.

"I was thinking of going home and leave things like they are, but… I… I couldn't, I couldn't do it anymore." She tried to reach him, to caress his face, but he retreated away from her, still without even looking at her. Kensi closed her eyes, recognizing the fear and the terror in his expression. It hurt her to see him like this, but it hurt the most not knowing why he was so terrified, why he was so scared. "I'm worried about you, Deeks, and if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you… and I want to help you. I need to…"

He felt her fingers slowly move towards his hands, helping them to let the steering wheel go. She took them in hers, slowly making circles on the back of his hands with her thumbs. The tender gesture touched him as a sense of warmth and peace engulfed him. Before he even realized it, hot tears started rolling down his cheeks as he sobbed while his whole body shook uncontrollably.

Kensi didn't expect it at all, but was quick enough to guide him into her embrace and allowing him to cry with his head on her shoulder while she massaged his back with soothing gestures with one hand and caressing his head with the other. "It's ok…" She tenderly whispered in his ear. "It's going to be ok. Hold onto me, Deeks, and let it go… Let it go." She had tears in her own eyes as she felt him shake in her arms, as he sensed his tense muscles and nerves under her fingers, but she tried to be strong and stoic. She needed to be because right here, right now, Deeks needed her more than anything.

"It's not ok, Kens… I… I can't… I simply can't do it…. Not anymore…" He murmured with a muffled voice, broken by the emotions that were filling his heart and soul.

"What, Deeks? What can't you do anymore?" She asked, breaking the hug and cupping his face, staring straight at his blue eyes, which had never seemed so lost, so empty. "Talk to me, please… I want to help you." She repeated, wiping away a few tears from his face.

"I… I can't surf anymore, I can't…. I can barely touch the sand… I tried. God, I tried every day, but I can't, I simply can't… it's…" He paused, turning away from her, like he was ashamed of himself, of his weakness. "I… I don't know why I'm so stupid, I'm so weak… it's not the first beating I've taken. Man, I had it worse when I was a kid…"

Kensi's heart broke at his last statement, like every time he mentioned his childhood. "You are not weak, Deeks, what you went through would have been traumatic for anyone and it doesn't matter how many times it happened to you in the past."

"This is not true…. I saw you take a beating and then forget it completely, and Sam was back on the job way before I was after Sidorov, Callen… well who knows what Callen went through, but look at me… I'm just pathetic. Some brainless guys beat me to pulp and I can't get my shit together! Look at me, Kensi, I'm weeping like a baby!" With unexpected strength, he removed his hands from Kensi's grip and turned away to look outside the window. He almost couldn't breathe and the tiny space of his car was getting smaller and smaller. He needed to get out of here, he needed air… With trembling hands, he opened the door and literally stumbled outside, falling on his knees. Tears stared to flow again as he thought of Kensi looking at his pathetic form.

"Deeks!" She cried out, jumping out of the car as well and trying to help him.

"Back off!" He yelled, but his voice was even more unsteady and shaky than before. "Please, leave me alone, Kens…. I don't deserve you. I'm just so weak… I don't…."

She didn't let him finish and fighting her own tears, once again, she hugged him tightly, hoping to show him her love and the respect that she still felt for him. "You're not weak, Deeks. You're simply human. And like I said, what you went through, here, in your special place would have broken even the strongest of the men." Her fingers danced down from his face to his chest, stopping on his heart. "Deeks, it's just human that you feel like this coming here, it happened here…"

He closed his eyes and once again memories flashed in front of him. He had been paddling in the water catching some late night waves for at least an hour, when he had seen the boy in the water, struggling to stay on the surface, struggling to stay conscious. The cop's instinct had kicked in and Deeks had brought the boy on the beach and right when he had been helping him, attempting to save his life, a bunch of guys, eight at least, had attacked him. They had placed the kid in the water as an initiation to be part their gang. They had started beating Deeks, mercilessly, using the fact that they outnumbered him. When they had got tired of beating him to pulp, they had tried to drown… only the intervention of some bystanders had saved him. "I've always felt safe here; the beach, the ocean, the waves… the sand…. They are part of me. I am part of them." He was talking out loud but not directly to Kensi, it was more like a monologue, like he was trying to convince himself, to understand himself and his own fears. "When I was a kid, when I wanted to get away from my house, from my dad… from…. from everything, I came here, because it made me feel better. It made me feel at peace… it was safe place, the only place I felt a connection with, a place that felt… that felt like home…" His whole body was shaking with cold shivers that ran down his spine and his hand, that tried to reach for his mouth, was trembling. He could feel his eyes get teary, but before he could lose it once again in his past and among his demons, Kensi held him.

She caressed his face and guided his arms around her. "What happened here will never take away what this place is for you, Deeks."

"I…. I don't know. I feel violated, like someone has destroyed one of the best parts of my childhood, has destroyed the only thing that gave me more than I gave it… they destroyed part of me, because this place is a part of me, it's in me… they destroyed some of my best memories." His voice was nothing more than a whisper, every word so painful to say. Every word was like a knife that sunk in his heart.

"They didn't destroy it completely, Deeks, because no one will be able to take away how this place made you feel, how this place has always helped you. You said it yourself, it's a part of who you are. It's a part of you… the good memories and the emotions will always be here, because you have them in you, in your heart…" Kensi smiled at him, passing her fingers through her hair, in a gesture she knew he loved and that calmed him, more than he ever realized. "What those people did to you, just put the good memories under the sand, deeper, and now you can't see them, but you can take them down. We can do it, if you want. If you want my help…"

Deeks stared at her, at her mismatched eyes full of compassion and love. Tentatively, he put his lips on hers. It wasn't the most passionate of the kisses, but it was tender and full of meaning. He was allowing her in… he was asking for her help.

"I'm here Deeks and I always will be." Kensi leaned against his chest, placing her hand on his heart, feeling his heart beating madly.

"I know, Kens. I know…" He hugged her tightly, like he wanted to hold onto her, like he was trying to find strength in her presence, in this gesture.

"So, what do you think if we go home and we go to bed, where I can take care of you for a while?" She asked, breaking the embrace and gently caressing his cheek.

"Said like that, it sounds vaguely dirty, Kensalina…" He hid behind his humor, but he knew that this time she only wanted to do what she told him; she wanted to take care of him, to make him feel better with her presence, her closeness, her tenderness. Nothing more, nothing less. "But you have to make me a promise."

"Whatever you want, just ask." Her eyes glittered as she bit her lip in expectation.

"Promise me that after you take care of me, after we get lost in each other arms, after we have breakfast and a shower, we come back here… I want to start digging in the sand and… bring those good memories up to the surface." His expression was so sincere, so honest but at the same so terrified, that it melted Kensi's heart.

She was aware of how hard it was for him, how badly this experience had affected him because it happened here, at his safe place… the only place he had ever found solace. "Of course we can come back and if you want, we can bring Monty too." The idea of bringing his dog with them simply came to her as she was speaking. She wanted to fill him with positivity and happiness to put away the pain and the fear.

Deeks' face brightened up. He couldn't understand how he had gotten so lucky to have someone like Kensi at his side, who knew him better than anyone else ever knew him. "I like that." A sweet and kind smile curled his lips as he took her hands.

"So, what are we waiting for, let's go home." Kensi guided him towards the car, helping him on his feet first. "Let me take care of you."

* * *

Three weeks later, Deeks was standing on the edge of the beach, already wearing his swimsuit, with his bare feet that touched the fresh sand of the early morning. His board was steady under his arm while his eyes were staring at the immense blue of the ocean. The breeze was caressing his face while his hair danced, following the gust of the wind.

It was a beautiful morning; the waves were simply perfect and the beach not too crowded.

He took a long deep breath, closing his eyes and inhaling the salty air. It was then that he felt a hand reaching for his, entangling their fingers with his.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Kensi staring at him with a kind expression, but there was even a sense of pride in those mismatched orbs, a sense of accomplishment.

"Are you ready?" She asked gently, tightening the grip on his hand.

His blue eyes locked on hers as he sighed heavily. "Yes." He simply replied. A single word that said more than a thousand ones, that was the crowning achievement of a rough period, of a lot of pain but even of a won challenge. "You?"

"I was born ready." She smiled cunningly. "Where you go, I go."

Deeks nodded, taking her hand to his lips and kissing it. "That's how we roll…" His smile grew wider.

His feet started moving and he took the first steps on the beach. At first he felt a bit unsecure, but his confidence grew at every step, at every intake of salty air, as the sound of the waves became stronger. The moment when his feet touched the water was like an electrical discharge coursed through his body, shocking him, but it lasted only one second.

He placed the board on the surface of the water and even if he was scared to death, even if he felt his heartbeat racing, he knew that this was where he wanted to be, where he belonged. He took a long deep breath and let his instinct guide him. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he launched on the board, pushing through the water, paddling happily. After a few minutes he was scanning his surroundings, looking for the perfect wave.

And here it comes. Without thinking, he waited for the right moment and started paddling. When he felt the push of the wave, Deeks jumped on his feet, naturally, like he was born to do this.

His whole body was electrified by the beautiful sensation as the board took speed and he danced on the water with expertise.

Kensi held her breath, watching him in the distance; she clenched her own board nervously. When she saw the wave engulf him and push him down, under the water, panic gripped her heart. She launched towards him, fighting the fear that was gnawing her when he didn't resurface.

After endless moments, when she felt like the whole world had stopped, she heard it. A loud scream resounded in the air, but there was no pain in it, no fear, just happiness… just satisfaction.

Deeks shouted out loud, finally happy. His face was the quintessential of happiness and joy.

Kensi thought that she had never seen him so happy, that she had never seen anything so beautiful. She cast one last glance at Deeks' beaming face and for the first time, she realized what he meant when he said that the beach and the ocean were a part of him.

The man and the water were like one single element, mixed together, because they belonged to each other, because they were part of each other. And there were no strength on Earth that could separate them, not even the evilness of the people.

Deeks lay on his back, allowing the sun to shine on his face and the water to cuddle him. His mind wandered, thinking that happiness existed and was a place on Earth. It was here and he wouldn't want to be anywhere but here, where he belonged and where he felt alive.

The end.


End file.
